Agonies of Love

I remember the very first time I fell in love. I was doing my medicals, at the Medical Centre, Unilag, having secured my admission into school few weeks before. I remember where I sat, waiting for some blood work, or something - my memory fails me in that direction. But what I'll never forget is the person I saw walking up to me. She was of average height, fair and incredible beautiful. She wore no makeup, and had a simple pink shirt on with denims, yet her pulchritudinous demeanor was striking. She walked straight, perfect poise, with subtle strides, each pace bringing her closer to my direction. She was walking towards me. WALKING STRAIGHT AT ME! I braced myself as she stepped up to me. Then she spoke. My God, she spoke! Apparently she needed directions of some sort. She was also a first year student like myself, having come to the medical centre to complete her medicals too. I can't remember what she said, and I hope my response was coherent enough, but I remember her walking away, and I clearly remember that I was holding my breath. Had to consciously urge myself to breathe. As I watched her leave, I knew I had fallen in love.

She was in my faculty, in a related department. So fortunately we took the same courses. And as you'd have guessed, I always looked for an opportunity to sit close to her, stealing a glance at those feline features once in a while. And to top it off, we had similar friends. So, whenever we meet on the corridor, or something, and she's walking with a friend that I know, I'll stop over and say,

"Hi, wassup?"

Then I'd turn to her friend (my friend too), and say,

"Ah ahn (feigning surprise)...do you know Halima? (let's call her Halima - and of course, i know my friend knows Halima. I've been stalking the two of them from the corners of my eyes all week!)

And then Halima says,

"Jide, you know Wale too? (lets call her friend (my friend too), Wale)

"Of course," I'd respond, patting Wale on the back. "I've known Wale for years!!!" (I actually just met him over the weekend, as a result of my stalking activities). And Wale wouldn't dare saying anything to the contrary. Boys' Honour.

Inevitably, she started warming up to me small small. We started to talk. I sometimes keep a seat for her in class, just, you know...to keep the wheels of our rapport constantly oiled. Things were falling nicely in place. Luck, it seems, or something more potent, was smiling ever so brightly on me that semester.

There's some inexplicable communication that occurs when a guy likes a girl. And girls are so adept at picking up those signals rapidly. In Halima's case, she didn't slack. She knew that I liked her, heavily. And that information proved fatal to whatever hint of hope I had.

You see, when a boy likes a girl, and the girl doesn't like the boy as much, or even at all, the boy stands the chance of being used. Or at best, being taken advantage of. Same thing goes vice versa. I learnt this the hard way. Halima started behaving strange. She began trying hard to make me jealous, for some out-of-this-world reason. And we weren't even dating - still at that look-in-her-eyes-and-get-flutters-in-my-stomach preliminary phase. One particular event stands out in my memory. It was our matriculation and we were all taking photographs. After taking shots with all the other girls, I came over to her side in a bid to snap with her (I saved the best for last! :) ). When taking pictures with friends, you'd normally put your hands around them, or hold their hands, or do something crazy, just to make the whole process fun. But this girl, this girl who always got visits from me every evening in her hostel, this girl who I always surprise with gifts at regular intervals, this girl whose presence makes my heart palpitate, this girl whom I'd gladly stand in front of a speeding truck for, this girl. This girl said I shouldn't hold her!

"Just stand beside me", she said.

Her friends around were alarmed.

"Halima, what is wrong with you," they asked.

She didn't bother responding to them. She was the tiger, and I was the helpless bleeding zebra in between her jaws. I was in love.

And in spite of all that, in spite of the embarrassments and pain, in spite of the bruises and heart aches, I still gave excuses for her.

"She'll come to," I kept telling myself, "She's just immature."

I was the immature one.

It went on for a couple of months until I decided to bone. I realized that falling in love makes you susceptible to a lot of pain. It opens your heart wide and positions you for a fall. The only person who you can safely fall in love with, is someone who is also in love with you. But the question is, how do you figure that out? And how certain can you be? Another of life's paradoxes.

But the pain made me grow up. It changed my perception of life and love. And according to Nietzsche, what cannot kill me will only make me stronger. Truth is, the feelings associated with falling in love is ephemeral. It's the aftermath that really counts. Countless of stories have been told where one falls for the other and everything is perfect for a little while. Then one of them changes, and the supposed love turns to something cynical, or even sinister. Falling makes you see your partner through rose-coloured glasses. You don't see her faults, you see her strengths. In fact, her faults is the main reason you're falling anyway. You love the way her eyes look when she's angry at you...or the way her backside sways each time she walks out on you in public. And you'd probably think she hangs out with all those guys because she's a very friendly person.

What arrant nonsense!

Halima's episode made me realize that I could simply skip the falling in love part and jump straight to loving - jump straight the real thing, and see the person for who she really is. And love the person for who she really is. This way, they wouldn't be surprises in the future.

But until I fell in love again, before I put the whole tripping thing behind me. This time, it was a girl in my class, who taught I was getting my bread 'buttered on both ends'. But that's another story for another time.

I'm still carrying a flag for Halima. A small one. I guess that's why they calling it 'falling in love'. You never can't seem to be able to completely stop once you start, until, well, you hit solid ground. And die.