Stop Asking When I'm Getting Married! Dammit!

Source: http://goo.gl/BfFu1V

So! My twin brother, Diran, got married last December. It was a beautiful wedding and he married a beautiful bride, Folusayo :) (See pictures below).

And as much as I love weddings, this one had one downside: the funny looks I was getting from 'supposed' friends and family. You see, when your twin gets married, everybody starts to wonder when you too are going to tie the knot. 'Everybody' fell into the following general groups:


Frank Family: These were sincere family members, who honestly believed Jide was getting old.

FF: Jide, you know you're not getting any younger. Ehn? When do you want to settle down? Ehn? When are we meeting her? Ehn? Why is she not here for your brother's wedding? Ehn? Don't you know this is the best time for her to meet the family? Ehn?? You better marry now oh. Ehn?? Do you want to pay school fees when you're 70years old?? Ehn?? Ehn???

Jide: *shoots own head*

Party Planner: These ones were just looking for the next owambe to attend

PP: Jide, when are we coming for your own wedding na? Give us enough time to prepare oo. And we dont want Ankara, we prefer Lace...

Jide: *runs into a speeding truck*

Believable Brutus: On the surface, this group seemed to be empathetic to my plight. I felt they understood my pain about wanting to be free of all the 'conjugal' pressures, and they were pretty much believable...complete with sad faces and all. But behind the scenes, they also had their own agenda

BB:  'Jide, don't mind them jare. Take your time. God's time is the best. Don't put yourself under pressure, okay?'

Jide: 'Thank you Aunty,' I replied with a half sigh of relief

BB: 'It's okay my dear. Pele. But have you met my friend's daughter, Bisola? She is sitting beside me on the table, whenever you are free you can come and ...

Jide: 'Et tu, Aunty?' '*slits wrist*

Match Makers: These shameless ones made no attempt to cloak their motives. They went straight into business:

MM: Jide, wa, see this lady's picture on my phone. Do you like her? She is a very good girl oh. Hmm. A very good homemaker too. Omo dada ni, I'm telling you!. She will take very good care of you gaann. Oya take her number down...zero eight zero...

Jide: *picks up table knife and stabs self repeatedly*

Sophomoric Sage: These ones are the absolute worst! They are newly weds, who suddenly believe that, just because they're already married, they have more marriage or spouse-finding wisdom, than the rest of us brain-dead, socially-stunted, stupid, single folks - even if their marriage is only a week old.

SS1: Hmm, Jide, it's not easy oh...finding the right person to marry. You just have to trust God to make the decision for you. I'll be praying for you, you hear? Don't worry. See, before God showed me my wife ehn, I had a dream...

SS2: Ah ahn, Jide, all these girls that are around you nko? Pick one and marry na. Abi are they not fine enough? Na wa oh. What else are you looking for? You see, when you marry, the fineness will disappear! I'm telling you! When I married my wife ehn...

Jide: *picks gun and shoots both THEIR heads*

All these in one wedding!

LOL

Honestly, I found all these a tad annoying. I believe marriage, (i.e. when to marry, who to marry, how to marry etc) is a very personal something (I said 'I' believe. The word 'I' is also a very personal term. Biko, take note). I mean, it's bad enough that YOU think I'm getting old, and YOU think I don't have gehfriend, and YOU think I should settle down fast, but to come and blurt it right in my face, feigning contrived sympathy or whatnot, and telling me in supposed-to-be-humorous-but-pretty-damn-annoying ways to go get married quickly...c'mon! While we're at it, why don't you go ahead and zip my fly down and check if i'm circumcised? Since we're all about privacy invasion, we can as well go all out, no?

Rubbish and Nonsense.

Don't ask when I'm getting married. Don't hint. Don't haunt. Just pray. And wait for IV. If it comes your way.

C'est fini.

PS: I hear it's even worse for female siblings. If you're in these shoes, you all have my sincere sympathies.

Wedding Pictures:

Diran and I. Yes, they said I ate all the food, but truth be told, he didn't want any food! Whose fault?

There is a reason in Yoruba-land, weddings are called igbe'yawo, which is literally translated as 'The carrying of the wife'. As the legend goes, when young men in the village reach a ripe marriageable age, on a particular market day, they storm into the village square with the intention of finding a young virgin. When such one is sighted, the young man hurries to her, lifts her with his hands and carries her to his father's house, like an antelope caught from the forest. This is where the marriage rites of both families begin. This is why weddings are called igbe'yawo, 'The carrying of the wife'. Soon enough, the tradition was abolished in most villages, because, as it turned out, young men who were not strong enough to lift full-bodied and sometimes voluptuous virgins were growing old without wives; and also, plus-sized virgins were growing old without husbands, as there was nobody strong enough to to lift them! The Confederation of Yoruba Obas (CYO) convened an emergency meeting and unanimously agreed that this tradition should be stopped immediately. But the name of the rite was preserved as a memento for posterity - thus igbe'yawo is called so even until this day . It is rumoured that in some deep corners of the Ijesha kingdom, this 'barbaric' practice still goes on without inhibition.

See how fine Folsayo is. Diran just set the bar unnecessarily high oh, Chai! That's how people will come to my wedding and start whispering that after taking his sweet time he didn't even find fine wife!

This is what happens when the priest threatens to take away the bride if the voice of the groom isn't heard throughout the church: the groom sings with all his might! Hehe...

OK, so this last one isn't about the wedding. it's about the coming elections, and it's courtesy the small billboards at the mall. The message is pretty explicit. Please go and get your PVC and vote. Don't sit on the fence for any reason. Decide. Vote. And let your vote count. After you have cast your vote at the polling booth, wait for the votes to be counted and results announced. That's a sure way to ensure that your votes truly count. May the best man win.

God bless Nigeria!